As many of you know, I have two children; Samantha (5th grader) and Alex (3rd grader).  They could not be more unique and individual in their personalities...and I can (without hesitation) say, I wouldn’t want it any other way.  The youngest has been a firecracker since her birth that resulted in an ambulance ride and a near delivery by a whole firefighter crew.  Our oldest is an incredibly concrete, logical rule follower who has only recently exhibited a feisty edge that we are thoroughly enjoying.

I picked Sammi up at play practice two weeks ago and something was off.  She is participating in the school play and has a significant part with 53 speaking lines (she highlighted and counted them all).  When I asked how it went, she gave me the “fine” response with no elaboration, which is not typical.  I asked a few more probing questions and her responses were short and closed.  Before we reached the garage I pulled over on the side of the road and said, “Kid, something’s wrong.  I’m your mom and I know you. What’s going on?”  She burst into tears.  Right there, on the side of the road I turned off the car and got in the back seat with her.  I held her while she cried and said it would be okay.  When she could finally catch her breath, she explained.  

Rehearsal had been difficult.  She was struggling with a particular line and the drama teacher had repeatedly told her that she wasn’t saying it right.  She said she kept trying, but the intonation on the last word kept going up in pitch rather than going down.  The hardest part - the teacher had said something like, “This is probably hard for you because your character is nothing like you in real life.  You probably never get in trouble in class, whereas your character is a rebel.”  She was absolutely devastated that this was not only said, but said in front of her peers.

As I sat there, cradling my daughter, a very strange image popped into my head.  A roaring, grizzly mama bear on her hind legs who was cutting her child’s meat for dinner time.  Allow me to explain.

Just a week prior to this incident, I had the incredible pleasure of hearing Julie Lythcott-Haims (author of How to Raise an Adult) speak at the Nueva Conference.  Julie is a former student dean from Stanford University that has written a book on breaking free of the overparenting trap.  It’s a powerful book that has transformed the way both my husband and I are parenting our children. Chris and I thought we’d been doing a pretty good job. Our daughters went to a participation preschool and this provided us with a great deal of training in terms of letting them learn and struggle on their own. For example, rather than opening the jar they can’t open, or tying the shoes they can’t quite get, we’d give guidance or ask, “Would you like assistance?” 

At the conference, Julie asked the audience, “How many of you are still cutting your children’s steak?”  OMG!  That was me.  I have an 8 and 10 year old and I’m in the business of education, a principal...and I was still cutting my kid’s steak.  She then asked how many of us have our kids doing chores.  Oh no, guilty again...we didn’t have any explicit, structured chore list.

How to Raise an Adult argues that we should not do for our children what they can do for themselves.  We need to empower our children to struggle, fail, advocate for themselves, and build the resilience to become competent adults when they fly the coup and are on their own.  They cannot do this if we don’t strategically set them up for this success.  We need to give them independence, we need to give them space, and sometimes, they need to figure this out on their own.

So back to that mama grizzly bear who was ready to cut her kid’s steak…

I could bare my teeth, send an email to the drama teacher and roar a terrible roar because my child’s perception was that she was publicly humiliated in front of her peers.  Or, I could empower my child to own this situation and turn it around.

I chose the latter.

After I dried Samantha’s tears, I empathized, “Sammi, it must have been really hard to receive what you perceived as criticism in front of all of your friends.  I am so sorry that that hurt.  Have you watched Dad coach Alex? Have you seen how he advises her from the sidelines?  Have you seen how he pushes her?  He loves her, but when he’s in the role of coach, it’s his job to push her to be the best athlete she can be.  And to do that, he needs to challenge her.  So let’s think through your teacher’s statement.  He said that you’re most likely a rule follower in class.  Was he right or was he off base?”  She readily admitted that he had a point.  So then, I did the unfathomable.  I suggested that if getting pushed like this again that she give him attitude and say something like, “Mr. ______, you don’t know me, you’re not my teacher!  You have no idea what I’m like.”  She burst out into laughter and said she’d get in trouble.  So I asked what “trouble” would look like.  She said he would call her mom and share what happened. I said that I would say I told her to act as her feisty character and do it. For the ever-pleasing Samantha, who seldom colors outside the lines, this was hard to stomach, but it was a great opportunity to speak about self advocacy and acting.  She chose a different approach (phew - I had to warn Chris that he might be getting a call from the drama teacher).  She asked for our help in practicing her lines and we modeled attitude and defiance and helped her master her character.

When I checked in with her after her next rehearsal, she was beaming with confidence.  I said, “Did Mr. ______ say anything?”  She said he didn’t say anything but instead just smiled and let her play her part.  My 5th grade daughter was able to solve a challenge on her own (with some guidance) and chose to show up to her next practice even though she really wanted to quit.  She pushed through, conquered the situation, and she is now stronger for it.

At Almond School, we want to create opportunities for this type of learning.  We strive to do this not only in our classrooms, but during recess and lunch as well.

Some of our students have established civilizations in different areas of our outdoor space.  There’s Stick City, Dirt City, and Blacktop City.  Today, one of the cities created a news publication and distributed it.  There are conflicts and challenges.  There are resources (sticks in particular) that are desired commodities which get hidden under leaves for future preservation and use.  There was great consternation on rainy day Monday that the cities were shut down.  I listened to the protest of a city official who thought it was terribly unfair because the influx of water was exactly what Dirt City needed to allow for the rivers to flow and the mud to generate. However, he was very reasonable when I talked through what the bathroom might look like if I did permit such activities.

Our children are capable.  They have strong voices and powerful hearts.  We need to teach them how to communicate their beliefs, how to champion their initiatives, and then we need to let them do it!  We cannot hover, nor overprotect.  In doing so, we take away their power.  Let’s band together and raise a generation of competent, strong adults who grow up and change the world for the better.